17. Relationships, Love, and Lack Thereof

I push through the door and shove my hands into the pockets of my jacket. Outside, the University is dark and lonely, silent but for a light rain on soggy grass and pavement. Earlier the chilly precipitation was just an annoyance, making walks to and from class seem twice as long as usual. Now, it is a reflection of my mood. This world is a cold, uncomfortable place and here I am, treading through it alone.

I saw her tonight. What a powerful little phrase, “I saw her.” As if she were the only girl in the world, and the word “her” had no other purpose but to serve in place of one name. But that’s how it sounds in my head. If I were to say just those three words to any of my close friends, they would know exactly the girl I was talking about. Do I know her? Not really, hardly at all as a matter of fact. Aside from her first name and which side of campus she lives on, I know nothing.

I’ve felt this way before. This dejected anger is all too familiar. Why would I expect anything to happen here? Why would I bother to go out of my way looking for an excuse to see her? Like so many of my plans, this one barely lasted long enough to fall apart. I can’t play the dating game, and when I temporarily forget... the consequences are always the same. What’s my problem, anyway? I’m too paranoid, no, too smart, to let my feelings get carried away. I’ve done this before, and I need to knock it off.

Including tonight I have talked to her not even half a dozen times, so this really shouldn’t be a big deal. But that’s not one of the stronger thoughts going through my head as I jaywalk across the flooded street to my dorm. I’m mad at myself for spending too many moments of my week looking forward to when I might see her. I feel stupid, as if I were fourteen again. It’s frustrating that I’m always attracted to disinterested girls, but most of all I’m ticked at myself for being ticked.

Here I am swiping my ID at the door after another walk home by myself. In the stairwell there are guys at both floors, sitting on the steps with cell phones in hand. Both are slightly inebriated, both arguing with girlfriends at opposite ends whose tongues I suppose are equally dulled. Alone I push through the door into my corridor, shedding my wet jacket onto the floor when I reach my empty room.

Enough... that’s all the cheesy melodrama I can handle. Anyway, I’m not a popular guy where girls are concerned. Unless I knock something over, heads rarely turn when I walk into a room. Plus, my flirting skills became dated when I turned ten years old. I’ve looked too hard for relationships, and hurt too much upon finding nothing. I understand it but struggle in giving it up to God, and so have wasted a good deal of thought on the subject.

First observation: immature girls go for jerks. I’ve seen more examples than I would care to count. Even the smartest, most responsible high school girl is bound to do it. A lot of them seem to make a rule of dating only the most self-centered guys they can find. Why do girls like guys who are losers? I don’t know. Worldly guys treat girls like crap because they know they can – if they are buff and outgoing and trendy, people pay attention to them. My guess is that some girls interpret this arrogance as confidence, and liberal doses of smooth talking on the guy’s part take care of the rest.

But I have little self-assurance where girls are concerned, so through my teen years I grew used to not getting much attention and not having any idea how to acquire it. It wasn’t until I was a junior that my luck appeared to change. I found myself attracted to a freshman, and – to my amazement – she was interested in me!

We dated, she broke up with me after a couple months, and I was pretty sure I would die. Only upon finding out how bad I was at it did I realize the extent of my romantic-ness. When I finally got over my first girlfriend, it was partly because I’d been spending time with a super cool girl in my own graduating class. The resulting relationship was similar, but with more of me trying to date her and less of her wanting to date me.

Preparing for college, I wondered if my female related ignorance would follow me to the University. Had I actually learned from my mistakes? Was I on the path to becoming a strong man of God, or was I still a clumsy, wandering kid? I know that my level of smooth-ness is low, cheerleaders are a bad idea, and there was probably something else but I just forgot it. Would my relationships at college be different from the ones I wrecked in high school?

At summer orientation, I met a girl who for no particular reason seemed special. Also she was really attractive and outgoing. Oddly, I found the nerve to start a conversation with her as a massive group of us waited in line for lunch, but I could think of nothing to ask her except what type of extracurricular activities she was interested in.

Actually I think my exact words were, “So, do you play any sports or anything?” Real slick. Unable to resist my suave mannerisms, she responded by rattling off a list of sports she had played in high school. The conversation briefly continued.

“What about you?” she asked.

“Nope, no sports for me. I played reserve soccer a couple years but I was terrible. My brains are pretty much the only thing I’ve got,” oh crap, I thought. I must sound super nerdy – I was trying to avoid sounding stuck up by making fun of myself but I bet she missed it. I’m screwed, but might as well try to recover, “They’re giving me quite a bit of scholarship money actually, I was salutatorian and got a good ACT score.”

“Oh really, that’s cool. I’m coming in on a full ride, I did good on the standardized tests too,” she said. Her tone wasn’t rude at all; she was just carrying on her end of the conversation. “I was valedictorian of my class. I got... a 32 on the ACT. What’d you get?”

Dang it. I tried to be funny and that crashed like a granite parachute. I tried to impress her with my intelligence and she’s smarter than me. I joked, “Sheesh, now I feel stupid! I got a 31 and I thought that was pretty good, I’m impressed. Basically what you’re saying is that you’re great at everything.”

“Yeah, pretty much,” she said dryly but with a slight smile. She even had my sense of humor. Throughout the semester I ran into her a few times... I remember talking to her once or twice, but all I can recall is that I bungled around more than my fair share. She seemed cool but was more into partying than...well, anything else. And even if I wanted it to, that could never work.

After no fantastic start, I’ve made progress coping with girl-related stress. I have always tried so hard to make good impressions, and most of the time it doesn’t work. In high school, the cute girls went after the quarterback or the point guard or any male who spoke English and played a varsity sport. That changes in college, mostly because such a small percentage of students make varsity – instead, attractive college girls typically set their sights on the guys in popular fraternities.

Reminding yourself that most girls honestly aren’t worth the trouble takes a delicate balance of having your name forgotten, being ignored, and getting completely overlooked in favor of frat boys. Why should I consistently go out of my way to talk to a girl who shows little sign of interest in me?

I shouldn’t. Most of the times I find myself feeling depressed or stupid, a girl is involved. I need more confidence and patience, and am slowly finding these things through prayer and faith. I still have no clue what I’m doing, but at least I’ve started worrying about it less.

When I’m thinking straight I remember God has either an incredible woman or some variant of monastery life planned for me. In the past I looked too hard for Miss Right, sometimes thinking I’d found her when it should have been obvious I had not. God’s been working on me and I’m seeing improvements in my attitude.

I still notice the cool girls around me and I still try to get to know the ones I’m attracted to... just doing this is difficult enough. All I can do is ask God for a sense of direction, and focus on what I have instead of what I don’t. It’s a continuous struggle.

The moral of the story, gentlemen, is that you’ve got to stick to your guns. Yes, you will meet gorgeous females who will not notice you exist. Yes, you will stumble over words and embarrass yourself and wonder if you might be a little slow. But don’t snap and settle for some crazy girl because you are tired of being a good guy.

It’s true, respectful guys often get hosed when it comes to dating. We’re the ones who get to be friends with sweet girls while they wreck themselves over jerks. We’re the ones who get hurt for actually being sensitive, while the guys who are good at pretending to be sensitive bounce from one girl to the next. If I were to make up a happy ending, I could direct an entire movie based on the awkwardly sappy scenes I’ve found myself in.

The big, shiny bright side: does any of that really matter? Nope. Any girl immature enough to put all her energy into being sexy and waste all her attention on losers is not worth your time. And unless ‘dating’ is your only long-term goal, waiting for the right one is a vital point. Besides...live in the past and you’ll never grow, effectively crippling yourself for the future. I carry a little card in my wallet with James 1:5 on it, “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all.”

Do I lack wisdom? Without a doubt. What a time to learn and grow, while I’m a single college student with no girlfriend whose heart I must be watchful over. I can’t think of a better opportunity to get closer to God and find how to become the man I’ll be for the rest of my life. As childish as I’ve proven myself, time alone can be a great blessing. Whatever God’s got planned for me will happen on His schedule, no matter how I try to force my own.