20. Return

Returning to school after Christmas break was not nearly as difficult as moving in for the first time. It was, however, harder than I’d expected. My three weeks at home went quick – I watched a couple basketball games, visited old teachers, saw friends still in high school, and spent a lot of time with my family. It took only a few days to get used to sleeping in, having no homework, and eating meals made especially for me at least three times a week.

As a result, I can see how it would be easier leaving for school if I weren’t so blessed at home. If I didn’t feel completely safe or comfortable in my house, it wouldn’t be uncomfortable spending months at a time in school. If I didn’t have close, dependable friends at home to laugh with, hang out with, and have an all-around great time with, it wouldn’t bother me to see them only periodically. But I am fortunate enough to have all of these things, so even though I like the University it’s tough to return after being home awhile. That discomfort quickly passes, though... I feel safe and have friends at school, too.

The difference between moving in initially and moving back after Christmas is familiarity. After a whole semester on campus you know the buildings and streets, feel relaxed in your room – and, most importantly, you have friends. Once my mom and dad helped me unload my junk back into the tiny dorm room, I walked them out to the car to say goodbye.

Before we even made it to the parking lot, I saw my friend Mark, unpacking his own things from the car. My parents left, but Mark was still there, and I helped as he and his mom unloaded and got the room re-situated. The toughest part of the move this time around was fitting everything in my room again.

I didn’t realize I had brought back so much clothes. I had gotten new stuff for Christmas…not a massive amount, but when combined with everything mom had washed while I was home it was almost impossible to find room for it all. I’ve got two decent-sized drawers, one small drawer, and a respectable closet.

I don’t own a whole heck of a lot of clothes, but they barely fit in the space I have. It was frustrating moving things around and wondering if it all would fit and realizing I had brought back way too many pairs of socks. I packed everything away and got it all done at once. Only a small feat, but when I had finished it was a relief.

I waited until my roommate left and I could push my chair back into the center of the room, then I started fighting with my computer cables. There is just enough space for my CD holder, razor, cologne and headphones on top of my desk once the monitor, speakers, and keyboard are in place; the subwoofer and power strip make for a crowd underneath. After ten minutes everything was plugged in and ready for action, and again I stood victorious. But not before hitting my head on the bottom of the desk.

All these things that kept me happily busy following move-in first semester were mere annoyances the second time around. For instance, it doesn’t take long to learn that no matter how well you think you did buying books, there’s no way you’ll have everything you need. Instead of paying for my help building a new garage over break, mom and dad bought my books when they brought me back to school.

I was surprised when the bill was only $270, having paid over $375 first semester. Then the first day of class came along, and I spent a day running back and forth between bookstores, returning incorrect volumes and shelling out another $120 to get the right ones. So much for slipping by easily (now I use half.com and that saves a TON of money)!

Finding classes the first couple days can also be... interesting. Sometimes the room is listed wrong on your schedule, sometimes the department switches rooms at the last second. All I know is that one day I sat in the wrong room for about 45 minutes. I was so sure I had found the right place!

There was a notice on the door telling all communication students to go to a different building, and since I was there for English I assumed I should stay and wait. Then a girl came in and I talked to her a little, but after we sat around for awhile nobody else showed up.

Finally a friend of hers arrived, and we triple-checked the door only to come across a sign we’d all somehow missed. A big, orange, clearly labeled sheet of paper, telling English students the room and building we were supposed to be in. By that time the class should have already started, but we speed-walked to the right place and somehow beat the professor by a minute or two.

This is one simple but relevant example of how things turn out well in the end, no matter what dumb mistake you might have made to mess them up. Worrying about being 30 seconds late, torturing yourself over every detail of a lecture or a conversation…worrying about anything, for that matter, never helps.

I get a little stressed, when I’m using the restroom and a drunk girl walks in – and uses the stall right next to me. It bothers me when the guy in the room below mine plays “Rape Me” (I’m dead serious, it’s a song...aside from all the illegal drugs it was the dumbest thing Nirvana ever did) at max volume several times a day. But none of these things could really harm me, so why worry about them? I’ve been working harder on leaving things to God instead of dragging them around myself. It’s not easy for someone stuck on self-control.

On that note: I’ve caught myself throughout this little venture trying too hard to be funny, which probably means I’ve been even more sarcastic than usual. I don’t want to leave you with the impression that college is too stressful or too hard or just altogether bad, because it’s really not.

I made great new friends, learned to get along with drunk people, and improved on poor conversation skills. I related to and became comfortable with my roommate, laughed a lot with the hilarious guys in my corridor…even had time for some videogames! And, I got decent grades in my first semester classes. College is a big responsibility, but so is life. If your heart is in the right place, you can truly enjoy both.

Spring semester promises to be better than my first. I didn’t accidentally enroll in any pre-med classes, I don’t have philosophy, and I will never have to take calculus again. I’m registered for a basic geology class, a history of religion class, two 100-level English courses, and an honors section of political science. Classes will be easier, I have friends to hang out with and lots more people to meet, and I don’t have to worry about most of the issues that seemed so enormous only months ago.

The transition has been made and while it won’t be all smooth sailing from here, there is no reason why college should not grow progressively more enjoyable as I continue building healthy relationships and growing closer to God. One day I was talking with Mark at lunch and told him I had finished the first draft of my manuscript.

“You’re stopping halfway. You should wait until the summer so you can cover a whole year,” he suggested.

“Nah. It’s about adjusting and stuff; second semester is just more of the same. It’d be redundant,” I told him (as you may have noticed, this was before I decided to write about spring break). We’ll see…

Now, revising for the fourth time as a junior, I have to mention a big thing I’ve learned: we humans can handle nearly anything the world throws at us. We’re not expected to be perfect but we’re built to be awful hardy and flexible. With your face to the light via faith in God, you cannot lose. Yes, many aspects of freshman year are scary and difficult. But I survived easily, and I am no extraordinary guy. Sure, education is important, but how terrible it would be to stress non-stop for four years only to look back and say “college was depressing.”

Worrying does nothing, loving means risking, and succeeding means first determining which things are worth having. Life – “growing up” – is not a ten-step program where everyone goes through the same bland process...over time you find out what you can and can’t do, what you do and don’t like. Most of the time I’ve got no clue what I should be doing with my life or where I’m headed, but this is where faith comes in.

Not knowing what’s in store (on rare days when I have a decent attitude about it) is what makes life exciting, and no amount of planning will jam the pieces into place. Seeking a life that glorifies God is a long and sometimes ugly trail, but the first steps are the hardest. And when the alternative is a glittering road to loneliness, what a payoff for the effort!

College is not all that encouraging, but realizing the need to live humbly in dependence is good. I am learning to relax, to forgive, and to enjoy myself, all without compromising what is important – God, family, friends. Time to wrap this thing up.