21. Sellout

I’m a sellout. I may seem dumb for admitting this, but there’s no sense trying to weasel around it. I’m sold on God, His plan, and His love for all Creation. Tell yourself it’s because I’ve been conditioned by years of Protestant church, but I believe in joy and grace and can’t imagine we’d experience either if we were simply monkeys with highly evolved brains. Critics, say what you will, but I’m more inclined to believe there’s a God with a purpose than I am to believe humanity is the result of millions of random mutations. As a rational explanation, God wins over nature any day.

I’m no photo-op wonderboy, but I am a happy person. When I find myself struggling against stubbornness and a lack of confidence, I remember to take a step back. In our secular world it’s hard, but I’m learning to appreciate God’s love and presence in my life. I attempt to study and be responsible, while trying not to forget I’ll be ok regardless of what happens in school. I try to pray and read the Bible, trusting in my heart that I’m not alone. Although never as much as I ought to, I appreciate and look forward to the important things: evenings with my family, time with true and sincere friends.

Happiness is a state of mind but a deeper, consistent joy comes from knowing your debts have been paid off. In spite of my bad habits and perpetual shortcomings, Jesus allows me to be a free man. My mistakes should kill me but thanks to Him they will not…so why live every moment as if I’m dying? God holds a clean slate for me, as for anyone who chooses to answer His call and invite Jesus in. This is a radical idea, but one that makes perfect sense when you stop to think about it. It’s the stopping, unfortunately, that can appear impossible.

When I’m home on break, in the country and away from the lights of College-town, all I have to do is look up for a reminder of God’s power. Sometimes on a clear night I will stand in the driveway for ten minutes after coming home from a party or a movie, looking at the stars like a little kid. I can only identify two or three constellations, but friendly old Orion is usually there to see. I think about burning elements and solar systems as my pupils adjust for more light. Can you honestly look at a clear night sky and conclude that the universe is uncreated randomness?

If I stare for long enough I can pick out distant points of white between the easily visible ones, an endless stretch of specks shining off in space. The universe makes me feel tiny, yet simultaneously less worried about meaningless things and determined to make the greatest positive impact I can. This is another reason I am a Christian: I believe in good, and alone I could never be good enough. No matter how much we learn at college, much is left unexplained by an academic world itself frustrated with a lack of philosophical answers.

Christianity is not meant to be an idea or even a religion, by most definitions of the word. Christianity is a daily pursuit of God that is made possible through Jesus – a relationship that, like any other, we’ll screw up. But more so than any other relationship, mine with God is one in which I find amazing forgiveness and room for growth. Sometimes at school this makes me feel like a stranger in a place where so many of the people seem distant. Surrounded by proud emptiness and students being molded into bitter adults, I try to be a good friend and influence, despite my poor qualifications for both.

It’s sad to see so many people who think I’m a loser for avoiding things they will eventually regret. I believe most of these freshmen are exactly like me: guys and girls with some promising character. People who are or at least have the potential to be loving and dependable and real. But so many of us struggle to see who we are, drifting in an ocean of bad relationships and false ideals and overwhelming pressure to succeed. The water’s a mess and everywhere are sparkling distractions that lead us straight for the undertow. God’s grace is my paddle – how can I share it?

See, I realize that throughout this process I have gotten sidetracked. I wanted to make you laugh with this story or that, thought such-and-such would get my point across. I am a decent writer but I am not great; I am smart but am no genius. And this may be too little too late, but the intended point of the forty thousand or so words you’ve been reading is important. I have probably missed it by going too deep in philosophical bumblings, or focusing on the wrong points, or just using stupid wording. The bottom line is my need for Jesus – without him I would not have written this book, and would not have reason for…well, anything.

I have emphasized particular arguments because I know myself: I am stubborn, would like to know everything, hate to feel as though I’m selling out. I get the impression that people in general are the same way. But when it comes down to it, you’re selling out no matter where you stand. When I put faith in Jesus I acknowledge that my hopes for a “good life” require Him; I admit that I’m a mess and can accomplish nothing good without Him. Yes, this is weak – I am weak. But do not ignore Christianity as an alternative for weaklings who can’t get by on their own... no one can get by on their own.

This is what kills me about our self-righteous culture: we are so proud and outwardly independent, too stubborn to admit defeat. But because we truly feel incomplete, we spend our lives scrambling for something to fill the gap. Perfect grades are hard and surprisingly unsatisfying when obtained, so we decide school won’t do it. Most of us are talented enough that if we wanted to, we could pretend promotions or a successful business would earn us enough money and influence to do the trick. When guy’s nights out and random hookups turn out to be a bust we might settle down to raise a family…and I haven’t tried, but I get the feeling that won’t work either.

Speeding along with the trendy, trashed on the weekends, find-your-own truth mindset requires putting your faith in the things of this world. You and I know we make decisions that are wrong. That’s why we get defensive about certain habits and justify what’s obviously unhealthy. We are not perfect, but we hope everything will be ok – regardless of whether that hope is backed by God, money, or something else. Believing in God makes you a wimp...but believe in something less than God, and you can pass yourself off as strong. Does that make even the remotest shred of sense? I think many people know the Truth deep down but dismiss it because going with traffic is the easy thing to do.

As a result of counting on things that aren’t true, we develop serious trust issues. We become spiritually frustrated and often begin doubting that God even exists. It seems to make sense to believe in only what you can see and feel, especially when you’ve been deeply hurt. I know I’m blessed to have grown up in a loving home, to have supportive friends: I’ve been given little reason for radical doubt. Yet mostly, I think, people simply want to have fun. Beer commercials, dumb pop stars, and hundreds of other sources confuse us as to where real happiness might be found. We become so sold on material trash and distorted ideas of ‘having a good time’ that they control us.

If you want instant gratification, there are plenty of places to find it – especially while you’re in college. This is a point I hope I have successfully attacked without sounding like a completely judgmental jerk. Beer is just beer but it is a big factor in today’s college illusion: when the excitement runs out, suck it up and save your cash for a few days and start all over Wednesday night. If you’ve got money and decent looks (or just lots of money), life seems good. Or heck, forget all that and go to a frat party. Almost everyone gets in, and you can have uninhibited “fun” for free. Problem solved.

But what will happen when graduation rolls around? Older folks always tell us to appreciate every day, every hour that we have on Earth. When you’re a kid it’s impossible to believe life will fly by. Then gradually, as you grow up, you start to see it. The weeks seem to shorten. Your days get more and more full of work and play and relationships, until everything becomes a blur. Life is not easy, but with distractions we can easily pretend.

Our time here passes like a jet, and our fate depends on who’s in the pilot seat – seriously consider that relying on God might be wiser than trying to fly yourself. We might recognize enough controls to do many things, but nothing we do alone will bring about permanently pleasing results.

It’s not a complicated decision: bow to our Captain, take off alone, or linger in fear and ‘safety’ on the ground. When trying to play pilot yourself, look forward to crashing due to lack of training and unfriendly weather. And if you hang around on the runway... you’ll probably get jacked in the face by a landing gear. The Captain who built the skies certainly will not disappoint, if only we’d let him steer. Are you preparing for an adulthood above the clouds, or on the pavement?